Living amidst the brokenness we find ourselves in this side of heaven inspired this year’s Ronald McDonald House Fundraiser design, but the concept of surviving personal wildfires turned out to be far more poignant than I ever anticipated; our wildfire season wasn’t over yet.

Standing in the shadow of mountains sets you firmly in your place in the presence of our creator. The still embrace of nature communicating with the design of every cell in your body lights a fire, causing you to feel at once intricately connected to everything and yet miraculously, tenderly and uniquely created. Powerfully protected in one sense yet entirely at the mercy of the wilderness that surrounds you. 

A full week in the Mexican sun left me more relaxed and happier than I had been in months. While the beach was dreamy, the best part happened the day before we left for our trip: after a year and four months of trying we were finally pregnant again. I’ve never been so happy to feel so sick in a beautiful place.

These past few months have been intentionally quiet while I’ve been allowing space for it all. To be honest, I don’t know what’s next, and friends, what a refreshing feeling that is.

Instead of handing God an itinerary for my life, I’m reaching out with open hands and saying “Show me.”

I thought I could heal myself. If I just did the right exercise, grieved the right way, ate the right foods, or took the right supplements I could restore my body. But I’m a broken person, and broken tools can only fix so much. I cannot truly heal myself because my goal is based on earthly examples.

But God can.

I've felt off all day – the quiet rain and rolling thunder echoing a melancholy restlessness in my soul. I've worked through a list of my best self-care tricks, but even so, the weight hasn't budged. I even started crying while petting Nori this morning, but couldn't define why.