The Body Remembers

I've felt off all day – the quiet rain and rolling thunder echoing a melancholy restlessness in my soul. I've worked through a list of my best self-care tricks, but even so, the weight hasn't budged. I even started crying while petting Nori this morning, but couldn't define why.

So I dug into the date.
A year ago today, I started bleeding.

My body remembers.

Today starts a marathon of painful anniversaries between now and October 5th. The first appointment, being told there was no heartbeat, the first D&C, the follow-up appointments where we learned the first surgery was 'unsuccessful', my body beginning to naturally miscarry while Lora was also super sick, and my second D&C.

If I'm being honest, I've had a really hard time processing everything with August. It felt simpler and easier to bury it under productivity and the guise of 'being experienced with death'. But ignoring the pain or pretending to carry it well didn't make it go away – it still deeply embedded itself in every cell of my body.

I spent this last year slowly chipping away at the wall I put up between myself and the reality of the experience with August. Therapy, acupuncture, and a lot of prayer have been helping to create space both physically and emotionally for how my experiences, not just with August, but also Mom and Norah intertwine.

But that doesn't mean I'll be breezing through these dates.
In a way, I think it makes it harder.

But that's okay.
Some things are hard.

We weren't designed for the brokenness of this world; we were designed for perfection. That's part of why it hurts so much; our souls yearn for the peace and rest that they were made for.

This morning, God met me with Psalm 119: 113 – "You are my hiding place and my shield."

This space? It hurts. And I still try to hide from it with productivity. (I mean, I'm launching Episode 001 of my new podcast Death + Revival + Coffee on Monday... so yeah I'm still working on the whole not burying pain with work thing)

But I am here.
And so is God.

Praying you find space for whatever your heart needs today as well.