Finish // Start
We’re prayerful that today marks an end and a beginning.
The end of the medical saga of this miscarriage.
The beginning of taking steps forward, out of the foggy grey area we’ve been stuck in for a month.
Over the weekend my body finally started recognizing the miscarriage, resulting in painful contractions and an emotionally and physically draining few days. We were hopeful that my body had been able to finish what the doctors didn’t the first time but unfortunately that wasn’t the case.
And yes, there’s an explosive amount of emotions around having had an essentially failed surgery, bleeding for a month, getting a hint of the intense physical experience of natural miscarriage, and having to pay for two surgeries, the entire process of which has been a dumpster fire in terms of processing grief.
But I’m too tired to get into now.
Today’s surgery went well and was successful. This time my primary OB (who I adore) performed the surgery. (Last time it was whichever of her colleagues happened to have that time slot open. My naive decision, not theirs. One that I would definitely change). It was another D&C (a repeat of my first procedure) plus a hysteroscopy for added guidance, accuracy and confirmation that all retained tissue has been removed.
This procedure was twice as long as the first and paired with some unexpected blood loss and slightly excessive sedation the recovery is a bit slower this go around. After getting home, Lora played ‘baby shark’ on repeat to help mama feel better from her ‘big owie’.
I have to commend the staff at the Edina Specialty Surgery Center for managing my care today with tenderness and grace, acknowledging that it all just sucks. From the miscarriage, to the failed D&C, to going through the surgeries alone because of COVID. It was so refreshing to have the staff lower their wall of standard medical stoic professionalism to laugh and lament with me.
They also provided a post-op French Vanilla Coffee.
It’s the little things.
Mama showed up again too. My anesthesiologist waited for his favorite OR nurse to join us before wheeling me in — a kind, loving woman whose name tag read: Lori.
Today was really hard; a very ‘Monday’ Monday. Honestly entire month has left a weariness in my bones that I haven’t felt since mom died.
But I’m choosing to cling to the good that existed today too.
Praising God today for the life I was honored to carry for such a short time.
For the care I received today.
For the hug from mama.
For the sunshine.
For the coffee.
For my mother-in-law stepping in to take care of Lora at the last second when she had to come home from daycare (not covid, just general toddler fall ickies requiring some snuggles at home to be 100% tomorrow so she can join her buddies for a fire truck visit!)
For my incredible husband who loved and carried all of his girls a little extra today.
This is the end.
This is also the beginning.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
Psalm 139:11-12
As always, thank you all for your continued prayers and love 🖤 I see every comment, like and message and even if I don’t respond please know I do see it and it means the world.
XOXO
Joanna, Lane, Norah, Lora, and August.
